I found Medium a few weeks ago, read a few articles and then paid the subscription. Medium and Tik Tok have been the biggest motivators for getting shit done the way I want it done. Seeing everyday people be themselves and continue to grow, makes me want to jump on that band wagon too.
So I did! Just watched a few more Tik Toks, read a few more articles, downloaded a few more apps and got on that train. I’ve missed the train before but not this time.
The issue last time you ask? I was far too cool. Being cool meant hiding how cool I really am.
I was so preoccupied with what everyone thought of me that I wasn’t truly being me. I was who everyone wanted me to be.
And trust me… when your dad was a gangster and your mum a gangster Farm Manager… it’s a struggle to be your own leader.
I moved out as a teen and didn’t move back until a few years ago. Since then, I’ve been living on and off with my parents, in between travels, escapes, journeys whatever you want to call them.
I was always arguing with myself. Happy to be reconnecting but forgetting the new values, I made during the years that I disconnected.
I spent years learning how to be a little gangster again
Taking any love, whether it good or bad. Throwing away boundaries and riding for the family. I loved being there for them, having time for them and living for them.
Until I started noticing I wasn’t being treated the same too. I was being treated like property of the family, the babysitter, the networker, the ‘one that went to uni’, the traveller, the bank, the one that needs help, the one that has issues, the narcicist, the crazy one… the list goes on.
With such a list, I wasn’t an angel in this.
The more I felt disrespected. The more I disrespected. My voice grew and everyone was tired.
I turned back into the little kid me. The “I didn’t get my way so I’m going to act out” me. I was reckless and ruthless. I was listening so hard to what others were saying, I forgot about what I actually thought of myself.
I’ve been to 14 countries mostly solo, lived in 4 of them and resided in multiple cities at home, in New Zealand. I put myself through uni by hustling multiple jobs. Do I need to say I’m cool for you to know I’m cool?
I look back now and wonder why I even listened so hard about what other people thought of me. Today I rode for myself harder than I ever have before. I stopped and listened to what I wanted, needed and felt. I saw who I was and who I want to be and honestly, it feels so good to be back!
I am my own person. I tell my own story.
I’m the horse, hear it from the horses mouth.
I want to be a writer so here’s me,
travellingchoker, MHKAAKAHU, Confessionsofacrazycoward, waiatawarrior, dorathemaoriexplorer.
